Anger At God?
“If you have never had any distractions you don’t know how to pray. For the secret of prayer is a hunger for God and for the vision of God, a hunger that lies far deeper than the level of language or affection. And a man whose memory and imagination are persecuting him with a crowd of useless or even evil thoughts and images may sometimes be forced to pray far better, in the depths of his murdered heart, than one whose mind is swimming with clear concepts and brilliant purposes and easy acts of love.” – Thomas Merton
This past week I have experienced something I have never experienced before. I was soooooo angry at God. It can be a taboo feeling for religious and spiritual people. Afterall I work doing spiritual healing, so I’m reliant on my connection to the Divine, but what if I’m really miffed at the Divine? What if my faith and trust in God has gone a bit wobbly? Should I worry I am going to the dark side?
Asking for spiritual support for my clients is the crux of the work I do, and has never wavered, but for myself personally I feel like my trust in God has taken a hammering.
When I first started my Sufi spiritual practice I learned how to surrender to God’s will, but now I feel as if I’m not happy with God’s will. In fact I’m darn right outraged.
Once upon a time I would have spiritually bypassed and gone into my head and told myself a whole lot of things that make sense to my mind, which felt like it was in high school, but my feelings still feel as if they are in kindergarten and I want to have a tantrum at God.
I don’t care if its karma, or I’m learning a lesson, or that I made some agreement before I incarnated, or I’m strengthening my faith.
I believe that everything is God, the light and the dark, and we don’t know the reasons for things happening. But we trust in God’s plan and surrender to Gods will. That’s the core of healing. That’s the core of forgiveness. That’s the core of love.
But I’m angry at God’s plan. My bottom line trust in God has been tested.
God Loves You Unconditionally
I realised, that unlike some human relationships, I can be angry at God and still have faith in God’s love for me, they are compatible feelings, they aren’t conflicted.
But as humans we have learned to feel as if we will be punished if we get angry with *authority*. We are experiencing ourselves in a body having human emotions, and our society still isn’t evolved enough to support certain feelings and beliefs.
Anger at God is one of those things we don’t feel we should have because we won’t receive the compassion and mercy we pray for. So we trade off, we minimise how we really feel and cover it with niceness.
I’m over feeling as if God is teaching me about faith, I’ve had so many things happen to me in my life, and I’ve felt a bit like a doormat to God, facing another trial and trauma, *God doesn’t give us more than we can handle*, *If he brings you to it, he’ll get you through it*.
I don’t want to go through anymore.
Maybe I’m addressing that martyr energy that a lot of women have, we are up hanging on the cross with Jesus, suffering alongside him.
I’m saying NO to God, ….no more, but at the same time I am asking for his love and compassion and forgiveness and strength. I am still willing to trust in his will, but not without a bit of a fight this time lol
Maybe now my truly authentic Faith begins. Maybe now God is going to hear a few of my complaints about his management. Instead of me being a nice little spiritual girl who feels like she’s been thrown in the deep end rather than starting out in the learner’s pool.
Have you ever felt angry at God?