What Is The Goal Of Your Relationship?
I was reading a book the other night called Keep You Love On by Danny Silk and he described something that sent me off into lightbulb moments.
He asked a couple what the goal of their marriage was. After some discussion as to what a goal might be, the husband said “Peace. It would be nice to have some peace in our marriage.” and the wife said “It would be nice to have a conversation once in a while.”
He then asked them what the goal of the marriage right now would be. And they both looked blankly. Realising also that they had got so far from the couple they were when they said their vows.
He then told them that all marriages have one of two goals, either connection or disconnection.
He told them they had developed skill sets around disconnection and how far that distance needs to be to feel safe. Some days a small distance, other times a huge distance.
It made me realise that probably that set of skills was learned a lot younger, I certainly know for myself that keeping distance was the action I had to adopt in my family of origin.
To keep my distance, be quiet, not be a bother, not be a pest.
It maybe also that you have been attracted to someone else who has that same skillset, of knowing how to keep their distance. I suppose that’s what attachment theory is.
So there maybe new skills needed to be learned on how to make Connection the marriage goal.
He suggests that each person take responsibility for the quality of connection in the relationship, most people who are disconnected shift the responsibility of the quality of the relationship onto the other person.
This may also be applied to other relationships you have, are you wanting to be connected or do you keep your distance?
Is Your Goal In Your Relationship/s To Be Disconnected?