The Disempowerment of Making Money Your God
Thinking About Money
In my journey healing PTSD, with its varying symptoms, I have been listening to the voices inside me, and I realised how much of my thought process is around my provision. Worrying about making money, do I have enough money, will I have enough money.
You could say I had a right to think like that, we all do, its a fact of life. My father’s parents died when he was in his early 20s, so he had to provide for himself, so working hard and working your way up was how you made sure you had enough money.
I do the accounts for my son’s business and when I relax about my money, I start to worry about his money, to the point of having OCD where I check his bank acct app on my phone multiple times a day to see what transactions have occurred.
Relationship To Money
I really allowed myself to feel into this worry and realised my relationship with money is exhausting me, it’s part of believing that if I keep on top of things, I will be OK.
My father had a saying that I knew so very well as a child. – “I know men in the ranks, who are going to stay in the ranks. Why? I’ll tell you why. Simply because they haven’t the ability to get things done.”
So I always felt I had to better myself. No time to read a novel when I could be reading a book for my business.
Wrong Way Around
I asked myself, so what if its not my hard work that allows me opportunities? What if it’s the letting go when I switch off at the end of the day that allows abundance to flow in?
What if I had the cycle of work and income all wrong?
What would it feel like to take my hands off the steering wheel and Let Go and Let God?
Source of Supply
In the 1980s when I had a young family, I had this attitude of letting go and letting God as my source of supply, but I was in a relationship where we were in partnership handling our money. I felt more support. I could play around with surrendering, because I felt I had him for back up.
Then in my next relationship I was in charge of managing the money and there wasn’t a partnership in the financial decisions. So I had a lot more fear of lack of provision.
Now I am on my own and I provide for myself so if I surrender, I’m mindful that its just me. Who is there to do the hard work? What if I let go and it all turns to chaos? Isn’t letting go and letting God like handing it over to thin air?
Life is so much easier when you have money than not, but what if money was never my security all along?
What if it was the surrendering at the end of my work day that opened me to the flow for my sense of security.
From the time I reached working age in my teens, I have been in situations where I endured abuse and terrible humiliation for a pay cheque. I believed I had to put up with it, because money was my source, my survival. I was taught to do what it takes to keep your job.
So, I ended up with hypervigilance around money, if I keep on it I will never have to experience such powerlessness, abuse, or poverty every again.
So in allowing myself more space, allowing my body to spend more time relaxing to switch on the parasympathetic nervous system, it’s bought up my fear of what will happen if I don’t keep on it, don’t keep pursuing my need to get more done, to create more, to make more, to be more.
Our culture’s values are such that if you aren’t being more then there’s something wrong. We receive messages that maybe we need to heal procrastination, or maybe we have a fear of success?
Most of the photos people post on facebook are about what they are doing. They may post the highlight of their day, but they aren’t taking a photo of themselves doing the dishes, or napping. We can often feel lacking in comparison to other people’s apparent busyness and success.
I’m relaxing into healing high blood pressure, (notice I didnt say working?) and in the The Biogenealogy Sourcebook: Healing the Body by Resolving Traumas of the Past it says that a core issue can be an injustice around a fluid, which can also be money.
What if my obsession about having enough money (which can also transpose to food) is about never having to experience such powerlessness or humiliation around money ever again, that I keep on top of it so it doesn’t get away on me. I’m never out of my depth again.
The Power of the Small
When you’re always pursuing money as the source of your security, then you don’t have time to do things that may actually be the key to your financial success.
I saw a quote today by Kurt Vonnegut *Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and realise they were the big things*.
What if taking time out in your day, to breathe, was the little thing that makes all the difference?
What if lying down and resting is taking charge of your finances?
What would it feel like for you to hand over your finances to a Divine Power?