Do You Have A Core Belief You Are Bad?
When I was 12 I was caught stealing a 99 cent ring at Woolworths. The police were called, and I was driven home in a police car. I remember seeing my friends playing on the street and their faces at seeing me in a cop car. Lots of shame and lots of drama.
I went to bed afterwards and I remember feeling so ashamed, waiting for my punishment, which never came, my father said that he felt that what I had been through was punishment enough.
I remember that no one bought me dinner that night in my bedroom.
But there was punishment, it was more the way I was treated there after through my teens. It was very different to how I was treated before my teens. I was a bad egg and not to be trusted. After a while I stopped trusting myself.
This incident has been one of those defining moments all my life.
I went on to attract people who were untrustworthy, like I believed myself to be, and my behaviour was such that I had to keep proving that I was good. And this meant that I was loyal in times I shouldn’t have been, was nice in the face of ill treatment. I was so intent on proving I was good that I didn’t even think about whether the company I was keeping was healthy or not.
It caused me to also give my power away to everyone in my world. That they would perceive me to be bad and I had to prove I was good. I was always worried I was being judged, and what they thought of me was more important than what I thought of me. So I would have to filter everything I did and said through a gauge of badness. That I was going to hurt people. Or do something wrong.
The most damaging relationship I had was the one I had with myself.
I have visited this incident so many times in my healing, but I could never get past that I was bad and had to try harder than most to be good.
So, in thinking about what lead me to steal, with it being such a hugely impactful moment in my life, I had the sense that it wasn’t just one of those silly things kids do. It really did reflect how I felt about myself.
What came to me was that all my childhood and into my 20s, I said nightly prayers, I was scared not to, as if something bad would happen.
“God Bless Mummy, Daddy, Karen (that’s me), Maree and Lynn, Nanna, Pop, Ken, Leslie, Trevor, Willie, Grandma and Grandpa up in heaven, and make Karen, Maree and Lynn good little girls, forever and ever, Amen.”
And make Karen Maree and Lynn good little girls.
So, that’s assuming we weren’t good girls. That we need a nightly prayer to keep us good. What power that line had for me saying it repetitively for 20 odd years.
Born in sin
My grandparents were born at the end of the Victorian era, where kids were seen as sinful and bad and needing to be steered right.
My sisters may not have even had this prayer affect them like it did me, there was probably something in my soul’s journey that needed healing around this. I was conceived out of wedlock and there was a lot of drama around this in my family back in the early 60s.
Religion for my grandparents is like weight loss for western culture now, it was the mindset that was at the core of society. They were God Fearing, not believing that God is Love.
Since my mid 20s I have helped people heal their blocks and restrictions, but for myself I felt as if I had to clear the bad in me in order to make me good. I have to get the bad out of me.
At a soul level I will have chosen this path in order to align me to do the work that I do, but now I can do the same thing, but without the charge around *bad*.
What if I was good and had some blocks?
I can still work on healing myself but from a different perspective than being bad at my core. I may have to transmute the dark into light but that doesn’t mean I am the darkness.
No doubt there’s past life trauma here, especially around religion. Persecution for being a witch is usually a trauma a lot of healers have in their Soul’s journey.
The Sins of the Mother
Funnily enough, in doing accounts for my son’s business, I sort out payments FROM Woolworths. Both my sons had worked in supermarkets when they were young, and now one son works for the parent distribution company for supermarkets, overseeing the software that programs the tills. The other son has his sports supplement products in supermarkets. Woolworths being one of them.
This also shows how an unhealed trauma can affect the next generation.
At your core do you feel you are bad and have to strive for goodness?